Before the flood

I just finished watching Leonardo DiCaprio's "Before the flood" and I just wonder what is the fucking point of anything?

The impotence and frustration makes me feel so small. And not that I have a problem with that, I'm usually ok with that, there's a video that talks about the Hubble's Deep Field, where the telescope stared into a spot in the universe for eleven days and that also makes me feel incredibly small, but I find that feeling in particular, from that video to be so liberating and relaxing. As in like "oh, it doesn't matter either way, so I might as well do whatever I want", the feeling of nothing inherently mattering that I get from that specifically makes me feel great.

But from this movie. I mean, I think it's great and fucking genius that DiCaprio did this movie, what better way to reach a ton of people than through a movie? Better than music, better than any political channels, a movie is extremely approachable and easy to reach masses with.

I also love that Trent was involved, because he just continues to do things that he cares about and believes in and that is fucking inspiring as shit and he makes me want to do it, too. And the song "A minute to breathe"? I mean, I hadn't watched the movie when I heard it the first time, but it gave me goosebumps and teared me up. I don't hear the song lyrics as a person saying "I just need a minute to breathe", the footage of the video is images of the things that we do to Mother Earth, and I take it was Mother Earth saying "I just need a minute to breathe" and that fucking cuts me deep.

Towards the end of the film this guy with some horrible terminal cancer shows videos of Mother Earth from space and he mentions, as plenty of other people that have been to space, that seeing her from out there is some shit. I haven't, but I don't need to to be moved by Her and feel inconsolable sadness for her. And for us. I'm not sure about the "us" part. Maybe, I don't know. I just don't understand why we do this to ourselves? Why can't we just be fascinated and profoundly respectful of her?

And, it's not like the environment hasn't changed before, that's part of Her life cycle, it's what she does, but why are we the ones doing it? There's this images, not just in this film, of trucks and machines cutting into the dirt from whatever industrial thing, aerial images and it looks orange and it makes me think of us cutting gashes into her.

What do I do?
I mean, I recycle. I have two plants.
I'm not a wholly good person, because that's impossible and delusional, but I just feel like there's nothing I can do and something that I do on my own as a single individual won't do anything to help her.
Before or sometimes it's felt enough to do it for myself, to somehow be a small example, or lead by example, if anybody is watching at all, or just to wash my hands of guilt in that front. Or just because it's what's right.

I don't fucking know.

The movie made me want to do something, but fucking what? And will it even matter?
I find it insane that the bad shit the movie talks about could happen in my lifetime.

So, to me it feels like she's the one saying "I just need a minute to breathe", like she needs us to give her a goddamn break for just a minute. Or like when you feel overwhelmed and you need to take a breath, like you need to breathe before the panic attack comes flooding over everything. Just for a second.

I don't think it ultimately matters either if we disappear, humanity, and I don't think it inherently matters if Mother Earth disappears or we destroy it, either, but I do think that we are a very specific sort of stupid for not respecting her.
I think not respecting that upon which we depend to be a sort of stupid that I don't know what to call or describe. It's repellent, disappointing, saddening. Like when somebody that you deeply trusted lies to you or when somebody that you really care for does something that you cannot forgive, like that sense of loss inside, the feeling of a void inside, it has no name and it's not physical, but it is very present.